Doldrums

Otis is grumpy. Kat is grumpy. I'm grumpy. Sheesh.

I'm blaming it on the season. Or maybe it's the economy. Perhaps the Audacity of Hope hasn't reached us yet.

Nah. That's not it. I'm actually quite bullish on the future. Sure, I think America is in trouble over the next 20 years, but that really doesn't affect me. I'll be retired by then (hopefully) and cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway in my Ferrari. Or something like that. In the mean time, I still can't shake this feeling that I'm spinning my wheels.

Since I got off Active Duty, I've gotten a huge pay raise, more time off and I have a lot less stress. My kids are doing well in school. My nanny hasn't crashed my car. Things are looking good.

On the flip side, my pants are a lot snugger. I haven't seen my wife in months (technically that's not true, but it feels pretty close), and I have this nagging feeling like everything is a little surreal. (Boy, it feels like I've written this same thing before. Sorry if this is a repeat, but it's still on my mind.)

It would be easy to say that when I was in the Army I had "purpose," and now that I'm out I've lost my way. I don't think that's it. It's more a feeling like I shouldn't be here. That part is true, actually. We thought we would have moved away from Seattle by now, but we are here until at least the summer and possibly longer. That means another winter with little sun and lots of rain (bring on Vegas!), and it also means more time spent in the doldrums.

***
On a semi-related note, I played in the finals of the league racquetball tournament last night. I went in as the 5th seed, but lost in the first round to the same guy that beat me in the last tournament. I stayed to watch the semis, and at one point, one of the players came bursting off the court in mid-match yelling and cursing about his opponent. I felt like saying, "Chill out, dude. It's just a game," but I held back. It's probably a good thing, because he looked ready to kill. He went back in the court and proceeded to trounce his opponent. You'd think he'd be in a better mood after that, no?

No.

He was still cursing about a bad call made by his now-defeated opponent. I wanted to say, "Dude. You won. Chill out." He had that helter-skelter look so I held back again.

Maybe I need to get angry at something. At least it's different from the doldrums.