Sunday, March 14, 2010

Silly Doctor

Mastodon Weekend grows in legend by the day. It was more fun, more ridiculous and more insane than those of you who weren't there can possibly understand.

It's also the weekend I almost died.

So far, no one else knows about this (hi, honey!), so I thought I'd break it on the blog. On Saturday morning, I woke up very early. I was still on west coast time, so 10 am seemed like 7 am and the sun (as well as those damn runners) caused my eyes to pop open. Right after noticing the sun and the noise, I reached for my phone to check the time. Hold the phone... the most intense and searing pain I've felt in many years gripped the outside of my left arm. It was so bad that I may have yelped a little. Not a girly yelp, but a manly aiiippp! like a wounded doberman. Or something like that.

I laid back down in the bed and tried to figure out what I did. I wasn't shooting wrong handed darts. I didn't arm wrestle lefty (or righty for that matter) and I didn't enter a shoulder punching contest. It must have been the heavenly bed - it was trying to kill me. That's the only explanation. Of course, the doctor in me was trying hard (and losing) to suppress the idea that this might be something bad. You've all seen enough movies to know that left arm pain can be the first sign of a heart attack. I did a quick inventory. Chest pain? Nope. Fast or thready pulse? Nope. Sweaty? Nope. The good news was that if I didn't move, the pain wasn't so bad. The bad news was that it didn't go away for most of the day.

I couldn't stop thinking about my dad. He had his first of several heart attacks at age 56. Most risk stratification tables say your chances of a heart attack increase if you have a primary relative who had a heart attack at age 55 or below. Whew - I'm safe!

I'll be damned if I'm going to die before I own a Ferrari. I know there are several things I could do to help. Baby aspirin. Statins (that's for you Bracelet). Diet. But first, I had to confirm what I already suspected. A quick EKG would show ST and T wave changes indicative of damaged heart muscle. I surreptitiously consulted a good friend who hooked up an EKG for John Doe (can't have anyone in the hospital know) and waited for the results.

What do you know? It was totally normal. I guess it really was the heavenly bed. Bring on the filet mignon. And the lobster. And the Ferrari!


Otis said...

Jesus, Doc.

You're a fucking doctor. I was five minutes away. You were five minutes from a hospital.

You try this shit again, and we're gonna box (figuratively, of course...I'm a lover and all).

BWoP said...

Heavenly beds suck. I don't understand what the fuss is all about.

The Bracelet said...

I see what you did there. Well played, sir.

KenP said...

So, just what were you doing at the Westin with The Wife out of town and all?

The Wife said...

You said it Ken - what was he doing? Certainly nothing to earn him a Ferrari, I suspect . . .

Heather said...

Dude, seriously!

I'm with otis. I would have been pissed if you'd died, or even were you know, mildly injured and you didn't SAY anything??? Booo.

BamBam said...

Totally explains the tie with the 'holes' now!

A brudder could've told a brudder you know!
(consider yourself scolded please)

SirFWALGMan said...

I always have arm pains it's nothing grrrksswhgew7yedguw.

BTW - Pro tip: "I'll be damned if I'm going to die before I own a Ferrari." not the best way to get your wife to let you buy a Ferrari.

Riggstad said...

My money is on you "left handing" it the night before trying to achieve the stranger effect? Might have done some nerve damage!

Just sayin' :)

I keeed I keeed!