Saturday, January 05, 2008

How to Get Your Boss to do Whatever You Want

In today's lesson, we will learn how to get your boss to do whatever you want. The easiest way is to show some examples of how NOT to do this.

Your boss has a short attention span (I realize this is a generalization, but it's almost always true). Do NOT start your impromptu meeting with the phrase, "I just need 20 minutes."

If you REALLY need 20 minutes, schedule a meeting. Practice your discussion ahead of time so it doesn't go longer. It would be better to say you needed 30 minutes and finish ahead of time.

If after 45 minutes in your curbside meeting you still haven't made your point, you have crossed the point of diminishing returns. Your boss is now imagining shoving a dagger through your eye.

During this meeting, if your boss asks for the official policy on your issue and you hand him the policy, if would be a good idea if you told him ahead of time that:

a. This wasn't actually the official policy, even though it's on official letterhead, and

b. The reason it's not the official policy is because you JUST FUCKING MADE IT UP YOURSELF AND PASTED IT ONTO OFFICIAL LETTERHEAD.

Finally, make sure your issue is as important to your boss as it is to you. Finding a way to save $10,000 is great, but not if it costs $20,000 to do it YOU MORON.

Tomorrow we will learn how to get your way with your wife. I'll give you that lesson just as soon as my wife gives me the manual.


The NL Wife said...

No chance, babe. Its kind of like the Torah - one original scroll (which is kept safe by a blind deaf mute Tibetian nun with multiple STDs and bad B.O.), which is transcribed by hand, then passed out at wife school, where we are made to memorize it, then eat our copy.

BamBam said...

"we will learn how to get your way with your wife."

When you hit the jackpot with this one Doc, you owe it to all of mankind to share. This will clearly put you in a position of leader of all men.

Coming home safe in just under 4 months however, is probably a great start for you!

Be safe !

CC said...

"Your boss is now imagining shoving a dagger through your eye." Probably more applicable there as your boss more than likely actually has a dagger on him/her...

katitude said...

I read this post aloud to my hubby this morning ... he laughed so hard at the last line, coffee just about came out his nose. TY for the morning laugh!

911siren said...

Oh how I wish you could post the name of the moron who proposed you spend 20 grand to save 10. Then tried to pass off fake policy.

Ps. I got and subsequently ate my copy of the wife manual and you boys are in troouuuble!!!

Sister Michele (not a nun)